Fried Wires

It is not uncommon for the things that God is saying and doing in the supernatural to manifest in the natural world around us. Another such occurrence happened to me this morning.One of the things that has been rumbling around in my spirit in recent weeks has been that it is through our intentional intimacy with Jesus that we find our power and strength to engage the coming days. 

Our power went out this morning. The main power wire coming into the trailer had fried. It was 6:30, pitch black dark and 36 degrees outside.For the next three and a half hours I was in a forced downtime while David and his brother worked to replace the wiring and restore the power to the trailer. 

Some of this time I used to pay a little visit to Psalm 18. I found there much encouragement for my heart for a variety of things I have been wrestling with lately. This unplanned time alone reading the Word by candlelight while bundled up trying to stay warm did my heart good. 

"You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light."    Psalm 18:28

The picture here this morning was one of me sitting quietly, spending time reading and listening, while power was being restored to my dwelling - with no help from me. The wire had been burned in one place and was worn in another. I don't want to be that wire. I don't want to be worn and burnt, useless as a conduit of His power that is meant to course through my life to the world around me. 

The hardest part to wrap my brain around is that I don't have to do anything to empower myself.  He does that. We are so used to desired results being based on our own efforts (and there is a time and place for that), that the concept of being used of God in powerful ways without our own strength being the driving force is almost foreign. Our hearts might embrace it, but our heads struggle with it.

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure."  Psalm 18:32

So here is the bottom line - while I am still before Him, taking in His word (written and spoken), He is renewing my strength (restoring my power).

I get it, Lord.

Fires and Reservoirs

I was awakened at 1:30 AM this morning with a dream.

It was night time, and we were alerted to a fire in the neighborhood (not where we currently live, but in a neighborhood somewhere in Austin). We somehow had access to some kind of an emergency scanner, which let us know about this fire.

I got in the car and drove to the end of the block and turned left. There was the house fire, several houses down on the left.

As I approached the house that was burning, I noticed the house next door to it had the garage door open and the light was on. The only thing inside was some kind of a game table, like foosball or something. There were two men playing the game, either oblivious to what was going on right outside their door or not caring at all about it.

I pulled up to the curb on the opposite side of the street behind a fire truck, and I remembered what the firefighters had instructed us to do when our home burned last year - to move the vehicles. So I backed up to a safe distance several houses away and got out of the car.

As I walked up the sidewalk to the people whose home was on fire, I could see that the smoke was pouring across the street to where they stood. It filled the air, and I could smell it and it was making me choke a little. As I approached, I saw that the upper floor was fully engulfed in flames, and while some firefighters battled that blaze, others were downstairs placing large red fire tarps over the furniture and grabbing photographs to bring out.

I walked up to the family and said, "I just went through this very thing a few months ago, so I understand. What can I do for you? I'm here. I understand."

Here is where I woke up. The dream was so real that for about a half hour I could still smell smoke (like it gets on the inside of your nostrils and takes a while to work its way out).

While there is a very practical side to this dream, there is also a strong spiritual meaning as well, one that I believe we should all pay attention to.

1. As we stay close to the Father's heart, we become privy to information that He only reveals to those who are truly listening and whom He has equipped to go and meet the need (the emergency scanner). 
2. He positions us where we can be of greatest accessibility to the need - right in the neighborhood. Every situation we find ourselves in throughout our daily lives has the potential to become a mini mission field. Need is all around us. 
3. There are those who are playing games and will not be bothered by the obvious and desperate needs of those around them. Don't be one of them. 
4. Wisdom prevails. Know what to take into the situation and what to leave behind. The car needed to be left behind while I proceeded on foot. 
5. Our experiences, no matter how painful and difficult, become a valuable resource when we are faced with the needs of others. If you have "been there, done that," thank God for it. Use it to connect with someone else who needs what you have right here and right now.

As I prayed about this dream, the Lord spoke to me clearly, saying, " I sometimes allow My people to go through very difficult places because it creates a deeper well inside you of compassion and understanding from which you will be able to draw when I bring you to others who are hurting in the same way."

The word that keeps coming to me is reservoir. It means this:

A natural or artificial place where water is collected and stored for use, especially water for supplying a community, irrigating land, furnishing power, etc.

Of course, an artificial reservoir in context of this discussion would be one that we create ourselves, using our own "wisdom"  and "understanding;" one that is faulty at best and filled with tainted water. A natural reservoir is created by HIS hand, using HIS tools, and is filled with the water that brings life and causes all things to become new.

Notice the purposes of a reservoir:

1. Supplying a community (outreach)
2. Irrigating land (facilitating growth)
3. Furnishing power (equipping the saints)

I know which one I want inside me. How about you?

Planning vs. Doing

True confession: I am a planner. To a fault. I plan for all kinds of scenarios. When faced with almost any situation, I picture in my head how it might play out and I plan for how I will respond/react to that outcome. Then I pick another potential outcome and do it all over again.

I plan how certian conversations will go, especially if there is the potential for conflict, and I plan what I will say and how I will say it.

I plan my days, my weeks and my months, knowing full well that life almost always intervenes and throws my planning out the window, but I am compelled to do it again and again.

If anyone ever saw the crazy tangled mess of planning and re-planning and trying to anticipate life and how I will react to it that goes on inside my head on an almost constant basis, I would undoubtedly be quickly committed to the nearest psych ward for evaluation - probably donned in a white "hug-me" jacket that ties in the back just for good measure. I'm not a danger to others,  but to myself - now that's open for debate.

I spend so much time planning and trying to control my little corner of the world that I sometimes neglect to do the doing.

I stumbled across a verse in Psalms this evening, quite the way one stumbles across a boulder in the middle of the sidewalk. Right there, nice and unobtrusively obvious in its placement on the page where my fingers turned and my eyes fell was this little gem:

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;"

Wait for it ... wait for it ...

"On that very day their plans come to nothing."   ~ Psalm 146:3-4

Ouch. That hurt. I don't want my plans to come to nothing. If I spend my life planning and not doing, then my life will also come to nothing. Not that planning in itself is a bad thing. It is a necessary part of life. But like anything else, it must be kept in balance and in proper perspective. It is in the doing that we live out what we are designed to do. It is in the being that we discover who we are destined to be.

I want to be close to Him; found faithful; called a friend of God; known by Him; sheltered under the shadow of His wing; someone in whom the love of Jesus is seen and the heartbeat of God is heard.

I want to do the will of my Father who sent me; the work of His hands; that which pleases Him and brings a smile to His face; that which honors His name and causes others to look to Him.

I want to plan my days, my weeks and my months, knowing full well that life almost always intervenes and throws my planning out the window; and that when it does, it is not because I have planned poorly, but rather because I have learned well to listen to the voice of the One who loves me most and am willing to let my plans go as I embrace His.

As I trust in Him with all my heart, leaning not on my own understanding, He will make my paths straight.

Now that's something I can plan on.

He Loves Me

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139: 17-18

These words and their meaning overtake me as they roll over in my spirit. As I was out running errands this morning, I was still basking in the glow of an unexpected visitation from my dearest Friend. He had come to me while I was working at my computer. I found myself just sitting here, soaking in an unplanned dousing of His presence.

Later as I sat behind the wheel of my car, He came to me again, as if to say, "I'm not finished with you yet."

In the middle of my crazy busy-ness and determination to mark yet another item off my To-Do List, here is what I heard, "I am so in love with you. You are so beautiful to Me."

Naturally I immediately responded with wordless tears. "I have always loved you. I love watching you. I love the way you belong to Me."

One of the many thoughts that flooded my heart in the nano-seconds that followed was that He always knows exactly what to say - what I need to hear. In a way that only the most attentive Lover ever could, He once again captured my attention and my heart in one moment.

This year has been for me anything but routine. After seven and-a-half years in Arkansas working with an amazing team of people building an outreach church, my husband and I yielded to the undeniable leading of the Lord that it was time for us to return to Austin. David came in January to find work while I stayed in Fort Smith, continuing to work and wrap things up both at my job and the church. At the end of March, I left Fort Smith for Austin.

That was only the beginning of what has developed into one of the most unusual years of my life, but that is a story for another time. One of the many things I have come to understand and embrace on a much deeper level than before is that God is not interested in adhering to routine. Everything about my life this year has been such a departure from normalcy that the comment I most often hear from people is, "I don't know how you do it."

Well, neither do I. Because none of it makes any sense. God will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise, and what seems to be the most ridiculous course of action is sometimes the only one that will get you where you are going. People used to tell me I was an "outside-the-box thinker." I no longer think outside the box. I live there. The box, if it ever really existed, is just a tiny spec on the horizon in my rear-view mirror.

And through it all, quietly providing a solid foundation on which I can place my trust, is this crazy peace that has come to be a familiar friend. It's the peace that passes understanding, that defies logic and stands as a silent centurion protecting my heart from the sure despair that would overtake me if not for the undeniable presence of the Comforter in every moment.

So here I am, experiencing once again a sense of wonder that in all the crazy, mixed-up stuff that is my life, Someone is thinking of me constantly. He watches me, not waiting for me to mess up, but smitten by the look on my face when He enters the room. The love in His eyes is for me. And no matter how far I step away from "normal," He is still here, walking with me and leading me into Himself.

And tomorrow morning, when I wake up, He will still be here.



Not Forgotten

I have a confession to make. I love Amy Grant music. The old stuff. I guess it's mostly because it is part of the music I grew up on, and as much as I love current music, I do occasionally wax nostalgic and take great delight in listening to the songs that became the soundtrack of my life. Recently as I have been listening to Grant's The Collection, I have been hearing something in the lyrics of some of the songs that I have missed before.

If you are a singer, you know that there are particular songs, especially early on, that seem to generate requests for you to sing again and again. For me, one of those songs was El Shaddai, which I first sang at a little Assembly of God church in El Campo, Texas in my teens. As many times as I have listened to and sung this song, there was something that only became real to me today.

As I was driving to pick up my dog from the groomer, this song came on, and one line in particular struck me in a way it never has before. I relate on a more personal level to this line than I ever could have imagined when I was a young singer with visions of touching the masses with music that would move and inspire them.

The line that captured me was this: "...to the outcast on her knees, You were the God who really sees." Today for the first time when hearing this line, my mind immediately returned to a little bedroom in my parents' home in the months that my first marriage was ending, and the image of myself face-down on a tear-soaked carpet, pouring out my heart to a God I couldn't see, longing to be held by arms I couldn't feel.

In those agonizing months of coming to terms with rejection and betrayal, I learned to know Him on a deeper level than I had ever dreamed possible. He came to me, expressing His love for me in real and intimate ways that even now I have a difficult time expressing with mere words. I came to know that He saw every painful thing that had happened, and as He healed my heart, His voice became more familiar and precious to me than I had ever known before.

Today as I drove, I heard that same familiar voice speaking again to me - through me. Here is what He said:

"To the one whose heart has been battered by rejection and betrayal, to the one who has been cast aside, to the one who has been overlooked in search of someone or something else, to the one who feels the dull ache of dreams that seem too lofty to ever come true and the sting of criticism that makes their destiny seem unattainable, tell them this:

I have not forgotten you. You are mine. I have inscribed you on the palm of my hand, and your face is etched into my heart.The ones you thought would love you may have rejected you, but I have accepted you. The world may have cast you aside, but I have adopted you as My own. The world may have overlooked you, but I have called you by name, and you belong to Me. I want you to know the depths of My love for you, to commune with Me in sweet intimacy. When we spend time together, your destiny will become clear, and as you walk in all that I have laid out in My word and listen to and follow My voice, your destiny will be fulfilled in a more powerful way than you have ever dared to imagine."

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

       How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139:17-18

I am Certain of This One Thing

Sometimes I feel so close to Jesus that I can almost taste the sweetness in the air as His fragrance seems to permeate the air around me. Other times, I don't feel Him quite so close, but must rely on the simple truth that He is faithful, and that even though I don't "feel" Him, I know He is here. Tonight falls into the latter category.

As I sit here listening over and over again to a couple of songs that are deeply ministering to my dry and thirsty spirit, I am once again overtaken by the immenseness of His love for me. Tears flow readily as I drink in His goodness. I don't know why He loves me so much, nor can I explain why He has chosen me, an immeasurably imperfect vessel, to carry out His kingdom purposes in this generation. But He does, and He has.

So here I sit in a darkened room, with lyrics declaring His faithfulness and music that soothes my soul washing over me like a cool and refreshing waterfall on a steamy Texas summer day.

"All I ever know is Jesus, You are faithful to the end."

These are words I have spoken over and over as I have recounted to wounded women the part of my story that includes a broken marriage and the unbelievably dark clouds that shrouded my heart month after month as I underwent deep emotional healing. In my darkest moments, when I felt completely and utterly alone, the only thing that gave me the strength to draw my next breath was the knowledge that Jesus was faithful. It was the grace that I found woven through the tapestry of my heart through a lifelong love relationship with Him that enabled me to keep going through the process of healing. When I didn't know anything else, I knew the character of my God. I knew He was with me, even though I couldn't always feel Him.

As we face uncertain times and the unrest that naturally accompanies seasons of transition and change, of this one thing I am most certain: Jesus is faithful to the end. He will never leave me or forsake me. He did not bring me here for anything other than His divine plans for me - the plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Of this I am sure. 

Keep standing, dear friend. Don't sit down. That which has been conceived in you is about to be birthed into the glorious fulfillment of the destiny for which you were born. We don't have to understand it all right now. He will reveal all truth to us in His time. Until then, let us remain steadfast, continuously reminding ourselves and one another that He is faithful to the end - that He is faithful to complete the good work that He has begun within us.

"The LORD gives strength to his people; 

the LORD blesses his people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

In The Garden

I've stated in prior posts that I often wake up in the morning with a song in my spirit. This morning, it was the old hymn, "In The Garden."

In April of 1912, hymn-writer C. Austin Miles was alone in the dark room where he kept his photographic equipment and organ. As he opened his Bible, it opened to the 20th chapter of John - the post-resurrection encounter between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Mr. Miles wrote of a vision he had that day, describing the scene in great detail.  

"My hands were resting on the Bible while I stared at the light blue wall. As the light faded, I seemed to be standing at the entrance of a garden, looking down a gently winding path, shaded by olive branches."

He goes on to share what he saw, ending with:  

"I awakened in sunlight, grip­ping the Bible, with muscles tense and nerves vibrating. Under the inspiration of this vision I wrote as quickly as the words could be formed the poem exactly as it has since appeared. That same evening I wrote the music."

Mary was distraught as she approached the tomb that morning. She so longed to be near to Jesus (even what she expected to be His lifeless body), that she could not even wait until daylight. She went while it was still dark. Seeing the stone removed from the entrance of the tomb, she ran to tell Peter & John that someone had taken His body.

The men came and saw for themselves that He was gone, and they went home. But Mary stayed. 

She was not ready to let go. Her heart was so intertwined with the person of Jesus that she could not bring herself to leave that spot, the last place she had known Him to be. 

After a brief conversation with two angels, Mary is addressed by another man, whom she assumes to be the gardener. She does not recognize Him to be the Lover of her soul. Not yet. But then she heard His voice. He uttered to her a single word, the first word He spoke after being resurrected from the dead (at least as far as we know from Scripture). With the utterance of a single word, Jesus made Himself known to her.

He only said one word. Her name. "Mary," He said.

Immediately Mary recognized His voice and turned to Him. The emotion that must have welled up inside her as she heard that familiar, sweet, comforting, powerful voice call her by name. I imagine that her eyes opened wide and her breath caught in her chest as she realized that it was Him.
 
May we all find the same sweet, intimate and deep relationship with Jesus that Mary had. The kind of relationship where even when we don't recognize Him in the circumstances of our lives, His voice is familiar enough to us that when we hear it, we know it is Him, turning to Him as Mary did.

IN THE GARDEN

by C. Austin Miles

     I come to the garden alone,

While the dew is still on the roses;

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear,

The Son of God discloses.

      

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.

      

He speaks, and the sound of His voice

Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,

And the melody that He have to me

Within my heart is ringing.

"The sheep that are My own hear 
and are listening to My voice; 

and I know them, and they follow Me." 

John 10:27 (Amplified)

Distractions & Passions

Music from the Heart: Amazed by The Desperation Band

Lately I feel like my head is going in more directions than it was ever intended to. The challenge is to keep my heart from doing the same.

There is a ceasless flow of things, people and situations that compete for my time, attention, affection, and allegiance. This is the world we live in.

It takes an intentional, focused effort to peel away from the stuff of life to get alone with my own thoughts, much less spend any kind of quality time with the One who loves me most.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." Sounds easy enough, doesn't it? But what if any part of your heart is chasing after anything but Him, or if any part of your mind is consumed with your own plans, agendas, ideas, or endeavors? How easy does it sound now?

The comfort I find rests in the fact that He knows me intimately. He knows every thought before I think it. He knows every word before I speak it. He sees all my moments, past, present and future, while I see only this one. He loves me in spite of me, and the mind-boggling thing is that He doesn't just love me, He's crazy about me ... and you.

As we go about our days, making plans and doing things, building and ending relationships, gathering stuff, and just living our lives, the entire time, the God of the universe is singing over us. The King of Glory is chasing after our hearts, pursuing our passion with an intense fervor. He is peeking through the lattice, looking on His beloved Bride, just waiting for the moment when His Father says, "She's ready. Go get her and bring her home."

And insane as it sounds, even with this knowledge, it still takes a concentrated, intentional effort for us to pull away and just sit with Him for a little while. The pull of earthly distractions is strong. But our love for Him must be stronger. If it isn't, we are lost.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       You perceive my thoughts from afar.

 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       You are familiar with all my ways.

  Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O LORD.

 You hem me in—behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me.

 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 

Psalm 139:1-6

The Purest Form of Worship

In the spirit of keeping things simple and getting back to basics, I am not writing a new post this morning. Rather, I am sharing with you something I wrote a couple of months ago. The following a is a brief article I wrote for our worship team's newsletter over the summer. It includes an excerpt from a blog post, "Martha Gets a Time Out."

THE PUREST FORM OF WORSHIP

Mary. That is such a simple, common name for a woman who in one moment quietly made a choice that placed her at the feet of Jesus, and who without a word demonstrated worship in its purest form. Surrounded by things that needed to be done and people who wanted her to do them, Mary set her gaze on the face of Jesus. She sat down on the floor at His feet and listened to Him as He shared His heart. Worship doesn’t get any more simple and pure than that – wordless wonder as we look on His face and listen to His voice.

Much emphasis is placed in most circles on the various forms of worship: singing, dancing, praying, etc… But I believe that worship in its purest form is a matter of the heart. To gaze on the face of the One we adore and be silent as we take in every word that comes from His mouth—that is true worship.

I often find myself so busy with the stuff of life that I fail to spend genuine time at His feet, just me and Him. It’s in these precious moments, no matter when or where they happen, when my gaze is fixed on Him and my heart is tuned into His voice, that my spirit is renewed and my soul restored.

As worshipers we must make these “Mary moments,” as I like to call them, a priority in our every day lives. He is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. He is not impressed with our musical abilities—He gave them to us. He is interested in a pure heart that is completely His. Enter in.

Grimy Smudges & Glorious Reality

Music from the Heart: My Heart Your Home by Watermark


"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you."    -John 15:4 (The Message)



The words of Jesus are are simple, profound, and life-altering. They challenge everything we think we know, and the truth we find in them sets us free from everything that would keep us outside the place He has designed for us to inhabit: a place in Him.

These words are no exception. Jesus Himself has invited us to live in Him - to move in, settle in and make ourselves at home there. We, in all our fumbling, stumbling, bumbling imperfection, have been extended a personal invitation from the King of Glory to come and dwell not only with Him, but IN HIM. He's not worried about us leaving our dirty fingerprints on the walls or grimy smudges on everything we touch. He welcomes it.

He invites us to this place because He loves us. We accept the invitation because we know that no grander opportunity can ever be presented to us - to be welcomed into the heart and home of God Himself as one of His own. He cleans us up, dresses us in fine clothes, gives us His name, and shares with us all that He is and all that He has, holding nothing back.

No more wandering through the dark streets of this life aimless, hopeless, lost and alone. We have been adopted into His family. We have been found and given a home and a hope. We have become the picture of restoration. The Creator of all things has reconciled us to Himself, calling us His own.

If you don't do anything else today, wrap your heart around this glorious reality - you belong to Him and in Him. He belongs to you and in you. Home just took on a whole new meaning.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; 

the old has gone, the new has come! 

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ 

and gave us the ministry of reconciliation ..."

2 Corinthians 5:17-18

The Inner Sanctum

Music from the Heart: Sarabande by George Frideric Handel

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. For six days He engaged in the most unfathomable expression of creative power that ever existed. From galaxies to grasshoppers, He designed the universe in intricate detail. Then, on the seventh day, He rested.

Well, I'm not one to mess with a good thing, so in the spirit of following His example (not to mention His instruction) of a day of rest, I typically indulge in a Sunday afternoon nap. It's been said that Sunday afternoon naps are the best sleep you get all week. I can't argue with that.

And so it was that today after lunch I made my way to the bedroom to engage in a little Sunday slumber. There is something about walking into my bedroom that makes the rest of the world seem to slip into the background. It's like stepping through that threshold causes both body and spirit to let out a deep sigh of relief.

It's summertime, and in our part of the country, that means air-conditioners and fans. In our home, that means some combination thereof produces just the right mix of cool, conditioned air blowing across the bed. Following my usual routine, I laid down, picked up a book from the nightstand and began to read. After only a few pages, the steady hum of the box fan blended with the rhythmic spinning of the ceiling fan to produce a lullaby I could not resist.

The book slips out of my hands onto the bed, and I am out.

Why am I telling you this? Here's why. To me, my bedroom is like a sanctuary, an inner sanctum where I can escape from distractions and worries and chores and to-do-lists. It is to me a place of rest and peace that is to be guarded and protected. There is no television and no phone, and when I lay down for my special Sunday afternoon rest, I typically leave the cell phone in the other room. I don't want this time to be disturbed.

I don't invite just anyone into my bedroom. When you come to my house, you will be greeted and welcomed into the "family" areas of the home, and you might be shown the bedroom as part of the "grand tour" if you have never been here before. But if you are invited into my bedroom to linger and talk, then you are on a short list of close and personal friends with whom I am comfortable sharing this sacred place.

The dictionary defines a sanctum like this: a sacred or holy place, an inviolably private place or retreat.

Just like my bedroom is a private and personal place in my home, there is also an inner sanctum within my heart - a place where only I and One other are allowed to go - a place that is to be guarded and protected. It is a secret place where He and I meet, and where He expresses His heart to me and I bare my heart and my soul to Him.

What's in your inner sanctum? Is it a place of rest and peace? Is it free from distractions and clutter? How often do you go there? Do you go alone or do you frequently invite Him to meet you there?

I encourage you to spend as much time there as possible. Time spent in the inner sanctum, the holy place with Him, is time well spent, and it is vital to the furtherance of His kingdom, both in you and through you.

"I am the vine; you are the branches.
If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing."
John 15:5

The Heartbeat of God

It's late at night, and the house is quiet. Well, nearly quiet. The only sounds are the whirring of the ceiling fan, the clicking of the computer keys, and in the background, the soft strains of gentle, meditative worship music.

There is a deep longing in my heart tonight as I have come to this quiet place at His feet once again. It is not uncommon for my time with Him to be marked with tears, and tonight is no exception. They are tears of surrender as I lay my dreams before Him, trusting them to Him yet again. There are deep desires in my heart that long for fulfillment so desperately that the longing itself is almost painful.

It seems that my biggest struggle is that I keep trying to cause my dreams to be fulfilled in my own wisdom and strength. I know better, but I still work tirelessly to accomplish what He has already promised He would accomplish in and through me. Why can't I stop?

His voice whispers to me, "Do you trust Me?"

My heart replies, "I want to."

He pulls me close to Him. My head is buried in His chest as sobs overtake me and I exhale for the first time in what seems like months.

"What do you hear?" He asks. I listen closely for His heartbeat. I am not prepared for what I hear.

With a slow and steady rhythm, the beating of His heart begins to grow louder and louder in my ears.

"I love you - I love you - I love you," it says.

I am left speechless in His arms. The insistent reassurance of this simple truth is enough. He loves me. Really loves me. His heart literally beats with His love for me.

Nothing else matters.

I have found a place in His heart that is reserved only for me. It has my name on it. From eternity past to the infinite days of forever that lie ahead, no other person has ever or will ever hold this place in His heart. It is mine, and mine alone.

This is what it means to dwell in Him. I never want to leave this place. It is my safety, my refuge, my secret place. This is where I can be myself more than anywhere else. This is where there is no judgment, only joy - no ridicule, only release. This is where the green pastures meet the quiet waters. This is home. This is where I belong.

Selah.

"Call to me and I will answer you
and tell you great and unsearchable things
you do not know."
Jeremiah 33:3

He Is Faithful

Music from the Heart: Faithful To The End by Hillsongs

I am often overwhelmed by the goodness and faithfulness of God. When I stop and take account of even some of the countless ways He has proven Himself faithful to me again and again, I cannot help but respond with the tearful silence of a grateful heart that is humbled by His love.

I was in a conversation this week with a co-worker, and I found myself sharing a story from my past with her. It is one of my most precious memories of the darkest, most gut-wrenching time of my life. In the spirit of freedom that comes from genuine forgiveness, I will not share the details here. But the long and short of it is this:

My heart was broken. Everything inside me wanted to run away and hide, but my need to connect with a safe place to heal was more desperate than the intensity of my shame and pain. It was a Sunday morning, and I got in my car, not knowing where to go, but knowing I needed to be in church somewhere. I found myself in front of a church whose pastor I had known since high school and where I had attended several years earlier.

I waited until the service was well underway so I could slip in with as little notice as possible. I did not want to talk to anyone or answer any questions about what was going on in my life that had turned my world upside down. I just wanted to sit and soak in the worship and maybe the message. I literally sat in the last seat of the last row nearest the door and had every intention of making a beeline for the door as soon as the service was over. I told the Lord that if He wanted me to talk with the pastor, then to have him come to me.

As soon as the service was over, the pastor was standing in front of me before I could make my planned exit. He asked me two questions. First, he asked me how I was doing. I lowered my head to hide the tears welling up in my eyes, despite my best effort to keep them at bay. He asked one more question (more direct) and quickly discerned the source of my pain by my wordless response. He then took me in his arms and held me as I cried on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he said.

So here it is, twelve years later, and I still cannot recount this story without tears. But now my tears are not because of the pain in my heart, because that has been healed. The tears that accompany this story now are the natural response of an overwhelmed, formerly broken heart to the sweet grace and limitless love of a personal God who gave me what I needed when I needed it. When I felt like I was literally going under, He threw me a lifeline in the discerning eye and fatherly embrace of a pastor who had recently lost his youngest child (a daughter, age 10) to cancer. That was the moment my healing began.

Over the years I have lost count of the times when I have been able to speak into the hurting hearts of broken women with the compassion and wisdom that only come from having walked the path they now find themselves on. It is the faithfulness of God to be true to His character and His word that carried me through a long and deep healing process. When I felt most alone and my days were the darkest, I kept returning to the knowledge that He loves me and He is faithful. He has proven it to me again and again.

And He will do the same for you.

Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
Psalm 115:1

Speak, Lord, Your Servant is Listening

Music from the Heart: Speak to Me by Rebecca St. James

Sometimes sleep escapes me. I can be physically wiped out and so ready for sleep I can almost taste it, but sleep and all its sweet, restorative powers can still slip through my fingers like water. Around 1 AM this morning, I was in another one of my sleepless moments, and my spirit heard the whisper, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening."

I knew this line to be from the book of 1 Samuel, so I looked it up to read more of this familiar story. The boy Samuel was being raised in the temple by the priest Eli. On this particular night, Samuel was also having trouble sleeping. He kept hearing a voice calling his name, "Samuel! Samuel!"

Three times he heard his name, and each time, thinking it was Eli calling for him, Samuel got up and went to the old man of God to inquire of him what he wanted. It was only after the third time that Eli finally realized what was happening. The Lord Himself was addressing the boy. The story reads:

"Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD :
The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him."
v. 7

Eli instructed his young charge to go and wait and listen. The next time he heard the voice calling him, he was to answer, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening."

Samuel did as he was instructed, and the Lord began to speak to him about what He was about to do.

There are many things that fascinate me about this story, but for the sake of time and space I'll focus on just a couple for now. Verses 3 and 4 tell us this:

"Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.
Then the LORD called Samuel."

At this time in history, the ark was where the presence of the Lord dwelt. Samuel was already resting in the presence of the Lord. He was in the perfect place to hear the voice of the Lord, and his spirit was ready to hear, as he was not busy, but resting.

The Lord didn't just start telling Samuel what He wanted him to hear. He got Samuel's attention by calling his name. Calling someone by their name makes the relationship personal. The Lord wanted a personal encounter with Samuel, and He ensured this by calling Samuel by his name. It was only after the Lord had Samuel's full attention that He began to share with him what was on His heart.

I have been walking with the Lord for thirty-something years now, and our relationship is real and personal. I do hear Him speaking to me and I do recognize His voice. But I believe that He is calling His people to a deeper level of intimacy - a place of quiet and rest where our spirits can more readily hear His voice. The Lord commands rest, and in today's world, with its frantic busy-ness and never-ending flow of media entertainment and information, it is more crucial than ever that we slow down and obey the command for rest. We MUST intentionally place ourselves in a place and position of rest so that we are able to hear what He wants to say. His voice is not just another constantly streaming channel that we can tune in to in order to hear what He is saying. Like Samuel, we must respond to the personal attempts by God to get our full attention before He will share His heart with us.

I don't want to miss one word that He wants to tell me. I want to hear everything. As David commanded his soul to be still and know that God is God, so will I command my soul to be quiet and listen - listen for that unmistakable voice that settles every storm in me with a mere whisper.

Come and stand here, Lord. Share Your heart with me. Reveal Yourself to me. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

"The LORD was with Samuel as he grew up,
and he let none of his words fall to the ground.
And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized
that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the LORD.
The LORD continued to appear at Shiloh,
and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word."
1 Samuel 3: 19-21

Martha Gets a Time Out

Music from the Heart: Deep In Love With You by Michael W. Smith

From my journal (today's entry):

I’ve stayed home from church today in a desperate attempt to find some quality time at the feet of Jesus. I miss Him so much. Once again I have allowed so many other “worthy” endeavors to crowd my days, my mind and my heart that there has been little room left for the One whose heart beats passionately for me.

My heart is swimming with a mix of emotions: sorrow over having caused Him even the slightest twinge of pain; an ever-deepening appreciation for His grace as I experience, yet again, His comforting embrace, holding me close as we reconnect; an overwhelming sense of His love for me – that unconditional, tender, intense love that I have come to find familiar and life-giving.

Once again, I am crumbled in tears at His feet, longing for a return to the sweet intimacy that we have shared so many times before. The Martha in me, being the strong, focused, admittedly controlling administrator, too often takes center stage, leaving Mary unobtrusively waiting in the wings.

Today, at least for this moment, I am Mary.

Mary. That is such a simple, common name for a woman who in one moment quietly made a choice that placed her at the feet of Jesus, and who without a word demonstrated worship in its purest form. Surrounded by things that needed to be done and people who wanted her to do them, Mary set her gaze on the face of Jesus. She sat down on the floor at His feet and listened to Him as He shared His heart. Worship doesn’t get any more simple and pure than that – wordless wonder as we look on His face and listen to His voice.

This is where I find myself this morning. Surrounded by the stuff of life, with a to-do-list that borders on being shamefully long, I have chosen to take these precious hours today to spend at His feet. I must. I am desperate. Like the dry summer ground is currently thirsting for rain, my soul is screaming for a deluge of His presence to come and sweep me away into an ocean of more. I’m ready to get wet.

So here I am, sitting on the living room floor, with the music of fellow psalmists and minstrels filling the room with a sweet atmosphere of worship. They sing songs of surrender and abandon, songs that tell of His grace, mercy and love, leaving me to sit and listen. Bible, pen, paper, and Kleenex are close-by.

Martha is getting a “time-out.” This is Mary’s moment.

“She (Martha) had a sister called Mary,

Who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said.”

Luke 10:39

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Music from the Heart: Every Move I Make by Passion Worship Band

It's a little after three AM, and I was awakened by a dream a little while ago. Actually, I woke up almost singing.

I lead worship for an outreach church called The River Fort Smith. The River is a sister church of City Christian Fellowship, which we sometimes refer to as the "mother ship." I played with the CCF worship team for a while before my hand was seriously injured in a rollover accident in May of 2006. It was nearly a year before I was able to play again, and several more months before I was able to play for any length of time. Since then, the Lord brought other keyboard players into the mix, and I was free to fully pursue my true passion: providing a meaningful worship experience for the precious people of The River.

In my dream this morning, I was at a rehearsal of the CCF worship team, sitting near the keyboard player, observing. I had the opportunity to sing with the background vocalists if I wanted to. I was sitting there pondering whether or not I wanted to sing with the group or just enjoy the worship service from the congregation. The reasons for and against singing with the team that morning kept rolling over in my head, and I woke up before I made a decision. I woke up singing, "Every Move I Make."

I believe that what the Lord was showing me was that sometimes we are faced with choices that we struggle with in our desire to find the perfect will of God. In our effort to step only into that perfect will, we hesitate to make any move at all for fear of it being the wrong one, so we do nothing.

Granted, there are some decisions we must make when a clear direction one way or the other is necessary and we must seek His will and be obedient. But other times we are faced with options that are equally good and beneficial, and we will be blessed in whichever one we choose.

When we are walking in true freedom and in close relationship with Him, we are sensitive to His voice and leading. We KNOW when He is pulling us back, saying, "No, don't go there." We can also know that sometimes He says, "Here, you can choose either of these, and whichever you want is fine with Me." It's like being asked, "Which kind of ice cream do you want - chocolate or vanilla?"

Legalism binds. Relationship brings freedom. Jesus showed us the difference in John 15:15 when he said, "I no longer call you servants ... instead, I have called you friends." In the same chapter, He instructed us to abide in Him. When we are in Him, we can know true freedom because we know where the boundaries are. It's like children on a fenced-in playground, free to run anywhere inside the fence. They can choose to play on the monkeybars or the swings or the merry-go-round.

The encouragement here is this: don't take life so seriously that you over-spiritualize every little aspect of it and miss out on the pure joy of just being in relationship with Him. Take your relationship with Him seriously and don't trivialize it; but enjoy the freedom to run and play and dance and be His child. It's His heart for you. Something to ponder until next time ...

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

Hope of Restoration

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. Many times I have sat down to start, but something else always seems to take precedence. Not today.

My heart today is filled with many things: peace in the face of uncertainty, thankfulness for the goodness of the Lord in providing for every need, and an ever-deepening love and admiration for my husband.

But underneath these wonderful things lies an ache that I cannot soothe. It is the dull pain of a vision that has not yet been fulfilled, a destiny not yet realized. Its roots are planted deep in the soil of a hope that has seen and tasted the goodness of the God of restoration who has given us, His Bride, the ministry of reconciliation. The deepest desire of His heart is to reconcile His most glorious creation, you, to an intimate relationship with Him.

You find yourself today at a place where your heart longs for something more than what you have yet experienced in your life. You may have tried to feed that longing with empty relationships, addictive drugs or alcohol, secret activities that now control you, career ambitions or maybe even church, ministry and family activities. Maybe you simply struggle day in and day out just to maintain, living paycheck to paycheck, never knowing true rest, desperate for something that you can't even put a name to. You are weary.

This message is for you.

Your mourning is about to be turned to dancing, your weeping into laughing, and your sorrow into joy as the God of restoration Himself infuses your situation with His presence. In the overwhelming cloud of His presence, that thing you are facing that has consumed your vision WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STAND. It WILL fall! Your time is NOW! Embrace it. Your destiny hangs heavy over you and the pending birth will launch you into kingdom-shaking authority as the Lord breathes His life into your passion - the same life-giving breath He blew into the lungs of Adam. It's yours - right here, right now.

Now is the time to be reconciled to Him. Today is the day for hope to be rekindled in your heart. Let the restoration begin.

Father God, as we submit to Your magnificent plan,
saturate us in Your presence again and again and again.
Here in this place of intimacy with You
we have found our healing, our rest, our peace, and our purpose.
Gloriously wash over over us even now
with healing and restoring waters
that burst forth from Your throne.
Immerse us in You. So let it be.
Amen.

He Restores My Soul

“He restores my soul.” Close your eyes, take in a slow, deep breath and as you release it, let these four simple words sink deeply into your spirit. “He restores my soul.”

My soul is the deepest part of me, that inner sanctuary where no one else will ever be able to accompany me; no one, of course, except for the One who fashioned me in my mother’s womb and Who breathed my eternal destiny into my spirit before I ever drew my first breath.

In these precious moments when I am alone with Him, the tears come easily as I let down my defenses and lay aside every tool and weapon with which I have fought today’s battles. I lean into His chest and allow Him to hold me as I begin to weep tears of relief, letting go of anything and everything that has held me captive in a prison of my own design.

This is my safe place. This is where the chains fall away and my rest becomes deeper with each breath that enters and departs my weary self.

He restores my soul. He returns the deepest part of me to its original state, reestablishing His purposes and bringing back divine order. Here, in this place of closeness with my Shepherd, my spirit is at rest. My heart is at peace. My soul is restored.

Jesus said that He is the Good Shepherd and that His sheep know His voice. As I linger here in this place, quietly listening to Him whisper of His love for me, the voice I hear is the same voice that spoke my destiny into existence while I was still being woven together in the secret place. The voice is familiar, comforting and strong.

When my soul is restored, everything changes. Peace returns. Joy is refreshed. Hope is renewed. Destiny receives a breath of fresh air, shedding the staleness that seems to creep in over time as dreams wait for their moment to rise up and be fulfilled.

He restores your soul. Today is your day for restoration. Right now is your moment to receive the rest that He has for you. Here is where your striving ceases. Here is where your hope is renewed and your peace returns. Here is where you fall into His arms as He whispers His love to you.

Then this city will bring me renown, joy,
praise and honor before all nations on earth
that hear of all the good things I do for it;
and they will be in awe and will tremble
at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'
Jeremiah 33:9

Divine Distraction

Music from the Heart: Restoration by David Brymer

You know that feeling you get when something you have been really anxious about for a long time is suddenly and unexpectedly resolved? That sense of relief that is so powerful that it almost takes your breath away and brings you to tears? It is immediately followed by an overwhelming sense of peace as you hear a voice deep down inside you gently whisper, "It's all going to be okay."

That's the feeling I got Tuesday afternoon - and for no apparent reason.

It was about 4:30 in the afternoon, and my work day was almost over. I was sitting at my desk, deeply engrossed in something so important that I can't even remember now what it was. Anyway, it was as if Someone tapped me on the shoulder and pulled my attention away from what I was doing, so strong was this sense of release and peace that came over me.

I had no idea what it was all about, and I still don't know for sure. But I have chosen the path of not questioning why, opting rather to simply rest in this crazy peace that has come once again and wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket.

There are things my spirit has been wrestling with for quite some time, and I can only hope that this sense of release is a foretaste of a pending breakthrough. I felt a physical response to this sense relief that came over me that day - a lifting of a burden, a somewhat lighter feeling.

The last few days, this peace has continued. Each day since, what has kept repeating over and over inside me is the song "Restoration, " specifically the tag at the end of the song, which simply says,

"Hallelujah, hallelujah,
You make all things new, You make all things new
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
You make all things new."

So, dear friend, on this late spring day, in the swirl of graduations & weddings, farewells and new beginnings, my wish for you is simply this:

May the peace that passes understanding overtake you in a moment when you least expect it. May you encounter divine distractions that snatch your awareness away from whatever you are doing and lands it squarely into the face of the Lover of your soul. Amen. So let it be.

The God of peace be with you all.
Amen.
Romans 15:33

Morning Desire

Music from the Heart: Draw Me Lord by Selah

Closeness. It is a state of being near to something or someone. The closeness that beckons me this morning is not a geographic position, but a nearness to Someone who I can't seem to get close enough to.

There is a longing in me that will not be quieted - a desire so deep that it permeates every cell in me, making my heart ache for more. Will I ever be able to get enough of Him? My spirit screams out a resounding, "Never!"

I want to crawl up into His lap and lay my head on His chest, and be lulled to sleep by the beating of His heart - to feel His arms securely and gently wrapped around me, holding me close. I want to feel His breath on my ear as He whispers His love to me, telling me of dreams and plans He has for me. I want to feel the moistness of His kiss on my cheek and see the light in His eyes as He gazes on me, His girl.

In these quiet early morning hours, when sleep has slipped away and the first light of dawn is still just a dream, my heart is yearning for Him with such a fierce passion that it takes my breath away. My heart is gripped with an almost painful longing to see the face of the One who knew me intimately before I drew my first breath.

The anticipation of time alone with Him is almost more than I can bear. What precious words will He share with me today? What wisdom will He impart? What new mercy will He bestow on me?

Here He comes. I hear Him calling my name. I must go and meet with Him in our secret place. This is our time.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4