You Are Here

God's ways are not like our ways, of this there is no doubt. The harder pill to swallow, however, is that His timing is usually not like ours, either. I think that we are impatient creatures by nature and that patience does not occur naturally. None of us is born with it. It is a process - a fruit of the Spirit that must be nurtured and cultivated and, well, you get the idea.

Our culture has capitalized on this fact that we are impatient by nature and has carefully groomed us to expect instant everything. But the harsh reality is that we don't always get what we want, even if it is what God wants for us, when we want it.

In the four months since I have moved back to Austin, my idea of what my life would be like by now has pretty much shriveled up and died. My expectations have proven to be a bit unrealistic, although not necessarily by the world's standards, but by the standards adhered to when walking out what the Lord is leading you in - no matter how crazy it seems to yourself and everyone else.

Where I thought I would be by now is a tiny little speck on the horizon while I stand here in the middle of nowhere under a big red circle that reads, "You are here." Well, "here" is not where I want to be. I want to be "there." Waaaay over there. Now, please.

While I have spent much of the last several weeks feeling like I was spinning my wheels going absolutely NO-where, just waiting for something - anything - to bust open, I am beginning to catch a little glimpse of the "why" behind all this waiting. It's still a little fuzzy, but I am confident that the path that has been laid out before me will gradually come into focus as my "eyes" adjust.

Things are beginning to move slowly. Very slowly. I have been often frustrated in recent months because things were not happening as quickly as I thought they should. I have questioned whether or not I had heard God in pursuing the things I have been pursuing, and each and every time, I have ultimately returned to this one simple truth:

There is an illogical peace that resides deep in the soul of a child of God when she is standing dead center in the will of God for her life.

It makes no sense. Every circumstance swirling around her screams, “Worry – fear – dread!” But she quietly stands. The people around her question her actions and may eventually begin to believe that she has somehow missed the mark. There she is, standing alone. Her own thoughts and everything she has come to understand as what “should be” are shaken to the very core and pieces begin to crumble to the ground. She’s still standing.

This peace defies all reason and even makes her look like a fool. But it is the quiet confidence that is intravenously transmitted from the heart of the Almighty Himself directly into her spirit, and it is the very source of her strength and resolve to keep standing.

He sees the much larger picture of His plan for me than I will ever be able to comprehend or would even be able to carry if I saw it all now. This is where trust becomes something you can sink your teeth into. This is where faith brings you one step closer to spiritual adulthood, making the transition from child to woman or man. This is where your spirit becomes more intricately intertwined with that of the Creator. This is real - more real than anything else staring you in the face right now.

So keep standing. Keep your eyes fixed on the face of the One Who knows you best and loves you most. Your Deliverer is coming. He is standing by. You WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

 "In quietness and trust is your strength..." 
Isaiah 30:15


"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness
of the LORD in the land of the living." 
Psalm 27:13

I am Certain of This One Thing

Sometimes I feel so close to Jesus that I can almost taste the sweetness in the air as His fragrance seems to permeate the air around me. Other times, I don't feel Him quite so close, but must rely on the simple truth that He is faithful, and that even though I don't "feel" Him, I know He is here. Tonight falls into the latter category.

As I sit here listening over and over again to a couple of songs that are deeply ministering to my dry and thirsty spirit, I am once again overtaken by the immenseness of His love for me. Tears flow readily as I drink in His goodness. I don't know why He loves me so much, nor can I explain why He has chosen me, an immeasurably imperfect vessel, to carry out His kingdom purposes in this generation. But He does, and He has.

So here I sit in a darkened room, with lyrics declaring His faithfulness and music that soothes my soul washing over me like a cool and refreshing waterfall on a steamy Texas summer day.

"All I ever know is Jesus, You are faithful to the end."

These are words I have spoken over and over as I have recounted to wounded women the part of my story that includes a broken marriage and the unbelievably dark clouds that shrouded my heart month after month as I underwent deep emotional healing. In my darkest moments, when I felt completely and utterly alone, the only thing that gave me the strength to draw my next breath was the knowledge that Jesus was faithful. It was the grace that I found woven through the tapestry of my heart through a lifelong love relationship with Him that enabled me to keep going through the process of healing. When I didn't know anything else, I knew the character of my God. I knew He was with me, even though I couldn't always feel Him.

As we face uncertain times and the unrest that naturally accompanies seasons of transition and change, of this one thing I am most certain: Jesus is faithful to the end. He will never leave me or forsake me. He did not bring me here for anything other than His divine plans for me - the plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Of this I am sure. 

Keep standing, dear friend. Don't sit down. That which has been conceived in you is about to be birthed into the glorious fulfillment of the destiny for which you were born. We don't have to understand it all right now. He will reveal all truth to us in His time. Until then, let us remain steadfast, continuously reminding ourselves and one another that He is faithful to the end - that He is faithful to complete the good work that He has begun within us.

"The LORD gives strength to his people; 

the LORD blesses his people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

He Is Faithful

Music from the Heart: Faithful To The End by Hillsongs

I am often overwhelmed by the goodness and faithfulness of God. When I stop and take account of even some of the countless ways He has proven Himself faithful to me again and again, I cannot help but respond with the tearful silence of a grateful heart that is humbled by His love.

I was in a conversation this week with a co-worker, and I found myself sharing a story from my past with her. It is one of my most precious memories of the darkest, most gut-wrenching time of my life. In the spirit of freedom that comes from genuine forgiveness, I will not share the details here. But the long and short of it is this:

My heart was broken. Everything inside me wanted to run away and hide, but my need to connect with a safe place to heal was more desperate than the intensity of my shame and pain. It was a Sunday morning, and I got in my car, not knowing where to go, but knowing I needed to be in church somewhere. I found myself in front of a church whose pastor I had known since high school and where I had attended several years earlier.

I waited until the service was well underway so I could slip in with as little notice as possible. I did not want to talk to anyone or answer any questions about what was going on in my life that had turned my world upside down. I just wanted to sit and soak in the worship and maybe the message. I literally sat in the last seat of the last row nearest the door and had every intention of making a beeline for the door as soon as the service was over. I told the Lord that if He wanted me to talk with the pastor, then to have him come to me.

As soon as the service was over, the pastor was standing in front of me before I could make my planned exit. He asked me two questions. First, he asked me how I was doing. I lowered my head to hide the tears welling up in my eyes, despite my best effort to keep them at bay. He asked one more question (more direct) and quickly discerned the source of my pain by my wordless response. He then took me in his arms and held me as I cried on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," he said.

So here it is, twelve years later, and I still cannot recount this story without tears. But now my tears are not because of the pain in my heart, because that has been healed. The tears that accompany this story now are the natural response of an overwhelmed, formerly broken heart to the sweet grace and limitless love of a personal God who gave me what I needed when I needed it. When I felt like I was literally going under, He threw me a lifeline in the discerning eye and fatherly embrace of a pastor who had recently lost his youngest child (a daughter, age 10) to cancer. That was the moment my healing began.

Over the years I have lost count of the times when I have been able to speak into the hurting hearts of broken women with the compassion and wisdom that only come from having walked the path they now find themselves on. It is the faithfulness of God to be true to His character and His word that carried me through a long and deep healing process. When I felt most alone and my days were the darkest, I kept returning to the knowledge that He loves me and He is faithful. He has proven it to me again and again.

And He will do the same for you.

Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
Psalm 115:1

Speak, Lord, Your Servant is Listening

Music from the Heart: Speak to Me by Rebecca St. James

Sometimes sleep escapes me. I can be physically wiped out and so ready for sleep I can almost taste it, but sleep and all its sweet, restorative powers can still slip through my fingers like water. Around 1 AM this morning, I was in another one of my sleepless moments, and my spirit heard the whisper, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening."

I knew this line to be from the book of 1 Samuel, so I looked it up to read more of this familiar story. The boy Samuel was being raised in the temple by the priest Eli. On this particular night, Samuel was also having trouble sleeping. He kept hearing a voice calling his name, "Samuel! Samuel!"

Three times he heard his name, and each time, thinking it was Eli calling for him, Samuel got up and went to the old man of God to inquire of him what he wanted. It was only after the third time that Eli finally realized what was happening. The Lord Himself was addressing the boy. The story reads:

"Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD :
The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him."
v. 7

Eli instructed his young charge to go and wait and listen. The next time he heard the voice calling him, he was to answer, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening."

Samuel did as he was instructed, and the Lord began to speak to him about what He was about to do.

There are many things that fascinate me about this story, but for the sake of time and space I'll focus on just a couple for now. Verses 3 and 4 tell us this:

"Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.
Then the LORD called Samuel."

At this time in history, the ark was where the presence of the Lord dwelt. Samuel was already resting in the presence of the Lord. He was in the perfect place to hear the voice of the Lord, and his spirit was ready to hear, as he was not busy, but resting.

The Lord didn't just start telling Samuel what He wanted him to hear. He got Samuel's attention by calling his name. Calling someone by their name makes the relationship personal. The Lord wanted a personal encounter with Samuel, and He ensured this by calling Samuel by his name. It was only after the Lord had Samuel's full attention that He began to share with him what was on His heart.

I have been walking with the Lord for thirty-something years now, and our relationship is real and personal. I do hear Him speaking to me and I do recognize His voice. But I believe that He is calling His people to a deeper level of intimacy - a place of quiet and rest where our spirits can more readily hear His voice. The Lord commands rest, and in today's world, with its frantic busy-ness and never-ending flow of media entertainment and information, it is more crucial than ever that we slow down and obey the command for rest. We MUST intentionally place ourselves in a place and position of rest so that we are able to hear what He wants to say. His voice is not just another constantly streaming channel that we can tune in to in order to hear what He is saying. Like Samuel, we must respond to the personal attempts by God to get our full attention before He will share His heart with us.

I don't want to miss one word that He wants to tell me. I want to hear everything. As David commanded his soul to be still and know that God is God, so will I command my soul to be quiet and listen - listen for that unmistakable voice that settles every storm in me with a mere whisper.

Come and stand here, Lord. Share Your heart with me. Reveal Yourself to me. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

"The LORD was with Samuel as he grew up,
and he let none of his words fall to the ground.
And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized
that Samuel was attested as a prophet of the LORD.
The LORD continued to appear at Shiloh,
and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word."
1 Samuel 3: 19-21

He Restores My Soul

“He restores my soul.” Close your eyes, take in a slow, deep breath and as you release it, let these four simple words sink deeply into your spirit. “He restores my soul.”

My soul is the deepest part of me, that inner sanctuary where no one else will ever be able to accompany me; no one, of course, except for the One who fashioned me in my mother’s womb and Who breathed my eternal destiny into my spirit before I ever drew my first breath.

In these precious moments when I am alone with Him, the tears come easily as I let down my defenses and lay aside every tool and weapon with which I have fought today’s battles. I lean into His chest and allow Him to hold me as I begin to weep tears of relief, letting go of anything and everything that has held me captive in a prison of my own design.

This is my safe place. This is where the chains fall away and my rest becomes deeper with each breath that enters and departs my weary self.

He restores my soul. He returns the deepest part of me to its original state, reestablishing His purposes and bringing back divine order. Here, in this place of closeness with my Shepherd, my spirit is at rest. My heart is at peace. My soul is restored.

Jesus said that He is the Good Shepherd and that His sheep know His voice. As I linger here in this place, quietly listening to Him whisper of His love for me, the voice I hear is the same voice that spoke my destiny into existence while I was still being woven together in the secret place. The voice is familiar, comforting and strong.

When my soul is restored, everything changes. Peace returns. Joy is refreshed. Hope is renewed. Destiny receives a breath of fresh air, shedding the staleness that seems to creep in over time as dreams wait for their moment to rise up and be fulfilled.

He restores your soul. Today is your day for restoration. Right now is your moment to receive the rest that He has for you. Here is where your striving ceases. Here is where your hope is renewed and your peace returns. Here is where you fall into His arms as He whispers His love to you.

Then this city will bring me renown, joy,
praise and honor before all nations on earth
that hear of all the good things I do for it;
and they will be in awe and will tremble
at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'
Jeremiah 33:9

Divine Distraction

Music from the Heart: Restoration by David Brymer

You know that feeling you get when something you have been really anxious about for a long time is suddenly and unexpectedly resolved? That sense of relief that is so powerful that it almost takes your breath away and brings you to tears? It is immediately followed by an overwhelming sense of peace as you hear a voice deep down inside you gently whisper, "It's all going to be okay."

That's the feeling I got Tuesday afternoon - and for no apparent reason.

It was about 4:30 in the afternoon, and my work day was almost over. I was sitting at my desk, deeply engrossed in something so important that I can't even remember now what it was. Anyway, it was as if Someone tapped me on the shoulder and pulled my attention away from what I was doing, so strong was this sense of release and peace that came over me.

I had no idea what it was all about, and I still don't know for sure. But I have chosen the path of not questioning why, opting rather to simply rest in this crazy peace that has come once again and wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket.

There are things my spirit has been wrestling with for quite some time, and I can only hope that this sense of release is a foretaste of a pending breakthrough. I felt a physical response to this sense relief that came over me that day - a lifting of a burden, a somewhat lighter feeling.

The last few days, this peace has continued. Each day since, what has kept repeating over and over inside me is the song "Restoration, " specifically the tag at the end of the song, which simply says,

"Hallelujah, hallelujah,
You make all things new, You make all things new
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
You make all things new."

So, dear friend, on this late spring day, in the swirl of graduations & weddings, farewells and new beginnings, my wish for you is simply this:

May the peace that passes understanding overtake you in a moment when you least expect it. May you encounter divine distractions that snatch your awareness away from whatever you are doing and lands it squarely into the face of the Lover of your soul. Amen. So let it be.

The God of peace be with you all.
Amen.
Romans 15:33

I Surrender All

Music from the Heart: I Surrender All by Michael W. Smith

I mentioned in a prior post that I am a confessed and recovering control freak. When I mentioned this earlier in the week to a close friend, her reply was "Recovering?" She was, of course, questioning this part of my statement. She knows me well enough to know that "recovering" might be a bit of a stretch. I quickly defended myself by stating the obvious: "Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery."

Okay, so I may have not gotten far past this first step yet, but actually admitting this is a very big deal. All you fellow control freaks, (step out of your denial for a moment), you are smiling right now and nodding, as you know this to be true. Confessing that you have a hard time letting go of control is not easy. Since most of us are also perfectionists, admitting this problem forces us to also acknowledge that we have fallen short of some standard, no matter how unrealistic or self-imposed it is.

This week, once again, I have been brought to a place of self-examination by the lyrics to an old, familiar hymn. The song is I Surrender All. In digging into the simple but profound concept of total surrender, it is not necessary to look any further than the first verse:

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live.

As I was preparing this song to include in this morning's worship set, I began to examine my own heart in light of these familiar words. I had to ask myself, "How much of me have I withheld from complete and total surrender to Him? How much of my time, my abilities, my goals, my dreams, my affection and allegiance - have I really come to a place of total surrender? Have I let go?"

The honest answer is, "No." The rest of the answer is, "But I am learning to." Even this morning, as I filled in as a guest worship leader with a band that I have never played with before, I had to let go of the control and not be consumed with how things sounded and whether or not I was adequately prepared. And when I did, the Lord came. He came, and in His presence, I was free and comfortable.

So here is your challenge, Dear Reader. Examine your heart for those areas where you need to release the control to the One who knows you best and loves you most. Choose to let go, and bask in the freedom that follows.

This is not a matter of convenience or comfort or enhancing our relationship with Jesus. This is a matter of survival. One look at the evening news and it is obvious that we are in a day when man's "wisdom" and puffed up strategies on how to "fix" our country's and the world's problems are being exposed as miserable failures day in and day out. OUR ONLY HOPE is complete and utter surrender into the hands of our God. HE will cover and protect His children. HE will provide for every need. HE will defend the widow and the orphan. HE will lead us beside still waters and cause us to rest under the shadow of His wing.

Whatever you are carrying that is weighing you down, that thing that keeps you awake at night, that consumes your thoughts day in and day out - let it go. Give up the control. Let Him take it. His shoulders are big enough to carry it. Surrender - and walk freely into your destiny!

Be Still My Soul

Music from the Heart: Be Still My Soul/What A Friend by Selah

This is a season for storms. Literally and figuratively. Spring is notorious for producing everything from cool refreshing showers to devastating tornadoes, especially in the South.

In the spirit, there has also been in recent days a recurring theme of storms in everything from sermons to songs to dreams. This should come as no surprise with our nation and its people being in the state they are in, economically, politically, socially, and spiritually.

On a personal level, sometimes these storms are nothing more than little squalls, more of a nuisance than anything causing substantial damage. Other times, the storm comes with such ferocity as to rip apart everything we know and believe right down to the very foundation.

As we face a couple of personal storms right now, one job-related and one in the ministry we are a part of, I received hope and reassurance earlier this morning as I was getting ready for church. It came in the form of aged lyrics to two songs (arranged in a medley) that have withstood the ravages of time. The message to me came clearly as I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me and whisper, "This is for you."

As a confessed and recovering control freak, I have been wrestling within myself about what to do about these storms. I popped a Selah CD into the player, and I was greeted with a timely encounter with Jesus. He can and will meet us anywhere and anytime, even while we are applying mascara.

These are the words that I had to replay again and again as they brought me hope, reassurance, and a gentle rebuke for trying to navigate the storms in my own wisdom and strength, not releasing them over to the One who has the capability to calm both the storm and His child.

My prayer today is that you, too, will find comfort and hope as I have, in the face of whatever storms you encounter, through these timeless words:

Be still my soul,
The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God To order and provide
In every change, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul, Your best, your Heavenly Friend
Through stormy waves leads to a joyful end.

Oh, be still my soul
The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

Selah.

To Obey or Not to Obey

This week has been for me a lesson in obedience. Not the kind that deters punishment. No, this is the obedience that results in a greater blessing and a deeper closeness with the One who loves me most. It is the kind of obedience that, when we do not walk in it, strips us of the blessing intended for us by a loving and merciful Father.

It's three o'clock in the morning, and I have been awakened by the Lord to spend time with Him. After our conversation, I have decided to share with you some of what we are discussing, because I believe that what I am discovering is important enough to share.

I had a health issue arise last weekend that by Tuesday had me desperate for some kind of relief. Oddly enough, someone at church last Sunday, while praying for me, felt led to pray for my health. As I was praying about what to do about the sinus pain and pressure I was having, which was not responding to any medication, the Lord led me to the internet, where I not only discovered some natural remedies (which turned out to work beautifully), but where I also came across information regarding what I now believe to be the root cause. More on that later.

As I walked into the health food store to purchase some of the things I needed, I heard the voice of the Lord ask me, how badly do you want this? He was asking me how committed I was to really feeling better. There are some significant lifestyle changes on the horizon if I am to truly be free from these symptoms that have plagued me for months, and in some cases years, things that I thought were completely unrelated, but I now believe are all connected to this root condition (again, more on that later).

When I immediately felt better when using the home remedies I discovered, I also began to reason with myself why I should allow myself "cheat days", allotted times for me to deviate from the truth I had uncovered, that certain things I was doing and consuming were causing my trouble. Herein lies the problem - the spirit is willing, but yes, the flesh is weak. This is why the Lord was asking me how badly I wanted to feel better.

So here I am at three in the morning, reading over Isaiah 30. Verse 15 tells of His promise of salvation and strength if we repent, rest in Him, are quiet before Him, and trust Him. Verses 16 and 17 speak to our "having none of it" and pursuing our own ideas and agendas. Then in verse 18, we see the longing of the Lord to be gracious to us. It says "He rises to show you compassion." That means He takes an active role in positioning Himself to show us compassion, not passively waiting for us to pass in front of Him as He waves some heavenly "compassion wand" over us.

There is so much more I am gleaning from this chapter that I cannot share it all here and now, but I will later. For now, these verses remind me that His wisdom far exceeds mine, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that when I am serious about pursuing His methods of taking better care of myself, I will reap the blessings He has in store for me in all their fullness. They also humble me as I again see Him faithfully and actively pursuing a deeper relationship with me as I ask the age-old question, "Who am I?"

And it all starts with repentance and rest, quietness and trust. The repentance and trust aren't difficult. It's the rest and quietness that I struggle with the most. I must be still and know that He is God.

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength."
Isaiah 30:15

My Little Corner

The following is n excerpt from my journal, dated Sunday, January 4, 2009. I am being consistently reminded these days of the need to simplify my life and my surroundings. Here is a little peek into my world ...

Yesterday I spent most of the day cleaning the bedroom. It isn't quite complete, but very close, and my new favorite spot is a corner I've set up as my personal quiet space.

I've had my eye on this spot for quite some time, and I'm thrilled that it's finally ready. It's in the southwest corner of the room, next to a west-facing window. There is a glider chair, and to my left as I sit here is a bookshelf built by my maternal grandfather. Housed on this shelf, along with pictures and a few other treasured items from our wedding, are a couple of Bibles, some devotional books, my personal Bible, this journal, a lamp, a CD player, and some worship cd's. A of Kleenex sits on my dressing table just to my right.

I expect many sweet hours here, countless encounters with my God, my Friend. I am filled with anticipation as I imagine close and intimate moments here with the Lover of my soul.

Yesterday as I dusted the shelves and their contents, I found myself praying a prayer of dedication of this special place to the Lord. I told Him that we will have many wonderful conversations here. This will be a place of revelation, of refreshing, of peace and communion.

How divinely precious is my little corner of the world.

Pumpkin Pie, Twinkle Lights & Peace

It's been ten days since my last post, and what a ten days it has been. Thanksgiving came and went, and we had a full table with friends from church who joined us for dinner. We ate too much, tried to justify it with a walk around the neighborhood, then came back and stayed up too late talking over pumpkin and cherry pie. All in all, it was a wonderful evening that I would not trade.

As is my usual tradition since David and I were married, I used the long weekend to put the tree up and decorate the house for Christmas. I have this secret love affair with little twinkling lights, and to me, the more the merrier. I have placed white lights in the kitchen (laid on top of the cabinets so they create a soft glow near the ceiling), in the dining room (draped on the baker's rack to help illuminate the nativity scene that now resides on the shelf), and all over the tree, where they are joined by a couple of strands of multicolored lights. I still have a couple more places to put them (living room on top of the entertainment center) and in the office window (the only window in our house that faces the street). As I said, the more the merrier.

It's been a rather relaxing weekend overall, having no particular schedule to adhere to and not being one to take part in the black Friday craziness that has permeated our culture. I did do a little shopping, mostly online, the rest as I stumbled upon a few gifts items while I was picking up more decorations for the house. David and I watched a lot of Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel and ate Thanksgiving leftovers. Relaxation reigned in our house this weekend.

This morning at church, Craig had several couples and individuals share what they were thankful for this year, and almost invariably, despite whatever difficult circumstances, hardships or losses they were introduced to this past year, the underlying theme was peace. Peace in the face of uncertain economic times, serious illness, loss of loved ones, and other unnamed personal struggles. We are a people thankful for God's peace.

Regardless of what we face as individuals, families, communities, or as a nation, let us all be thankful for the sweet peace that we enjoy day after day, moment by moment. For tonight's music from the heart, I am leaving Rachael Lampa's Blessed up a little longer. The lyrics are simple and powerful at the same time, as is the peace that we are so blessed with.

As we run full-speed ahead into this holiday season, please remember to take a few moments daily to be thankful for the simple things, for little daily blessings, and for the most precious gift we received two-thousand years ago when the Prince of Peace arrived on the scene and changed everything.

"The God of peace be with you all.
Amen."
Romans 15:33