Contending & Self Talk

Sometimes in the course of life, a word drops into my spirit. If I didn't know any better, I would say it came from out of nowhere - but I know better. It is the voice of the Holy Spirit gently nudging me into a revelation. I have learned over the years to not ignore these subtle prompts, as they inevitably lead me to a deeper understanding of what He is wanting to accomplish in and through me.

It seems that much of my communication with God lately ends up with me in tears. Sometimes they are accompanied by the overwhelming sense of His presence and love for me (which I still cannot and probably will never come anywhere near comprehending). More often than not though, lately the accompanying cry of my heart sounds something like this: "I don't understand. I don't understand why everything has to be such a struggle. All I have ever wanted is to love You and serve You and walk in the center of Your will. Why is it always such a struggle just to make ends meet? How can this be Your will for Your children? Am I missing something?"

Tonight, as I prayed for David and about our situation in general, I heard the word "contend" being deposited into my spirit. I knew the general idea behind the meaning of the word, but here is what I found when I looked it up:

con·tend [kuh n-tend]  verb

1. To struggle in opposition: to contend with the enemy for control

2. To strive in rivalry; compete: to contend for first prize

3. To strive in debate; dispute earnestly: to contend against falsehood

Origin: 1400-50 late Middle English contenden < Anglo-French contendre < Latin contendere to compete, strive,  draw tight; equivalent to con (con) + tendere (to stretch)

I was immediately struck by the realization that all three meanings have a clear application in the walk of the believer. 

1. To struggle in opposition with the enemy for control 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."  Ephesians 6:12-13

2. To strive in rivalry (compete) for first prize

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."  1 Corinthians 9:24-25

3. To strive in debate (dispute earnestly) against falsehood

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

Even in the word's earliest origins, it meant to stretch or draw tight. As we reach what feels like the breaking point, where we don't think or feel like we can take another minute of our current situation, the Holy Spirit gently prods, "Contend." 

The last dime has been spent and the pantry and refrigerator are near empty, "Contend."

Bills are due and past due and there is no money to pay them. "Contend."

Physical strength wanes and sickness sets in. There is no money for medicine. "Contend."

Fill in the blank with the circumstance that makes every attempt to steal your hope, your joy, your peace. "Contend."

Sometimes we have to talk ourselves into continuing on - into not giving up. It worked for King David. He asked himself why he was so downcast and commanded himself to put his hope in God. Following the example of one whom God Himself called a man after His own heart, I will now excuse myself to engage in a little Psalm 42-43 style conversation with myself.

And contend.

 

Fried Wires

It is not uncommon for the things that God is saying and doing in the supernatural to manifest in the natural world around us. Another such occurrence happened to me this morning.One of the things that has been rumbling around in my spirit in recent weeks has been that it is through our intentional intimacy with Jesus that we find our power and strength to engage the coming days. 

Our power went out this morning. The main power wire coming into the trailer had fried. It was 6:30, pitch black dark and 36 degrees outside.For the next three and a half hours I was in a forced downtime while David and his brother worked to replace the wiring and restore the power to the trailer. 

Some of this time I used to pay a little visit to Psalm 18. I found there much encouragement for my heart for a variety of things I have been wrestling with lately. This unplanned time alone reading the Word by candlelight while bundled up trying to stay warm did my heart good. 

"You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light."    Psalm 18:28

The picture here this morning was one of me sitting quietly, spending time reading and listening, while power was being restored to my dwelling - with no help from me. The wire had been burned in one place and was worn in another. I don't want to be that wire. I don't want to be worn and burnt, useless as a conduit of His power that is meant to course through my life to the world around me. 

The hardest part to wrap my brain around is that I don't have to do anything to empower myself.  He does that. We are so used to desired results being based on our own efforts (and there is a time and place for that), that the concept of being used of God in powerful ways without our own strength being the driving force is almost foreign. Our hearts might embrace it, but our heads struggle with it.

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure."  Psalm 18:32

So here is the bottom line - while I am still before Him, taking in His word (written and spoken), He is renewing my strength (restoring my power).

I get it, Lord.

Intimacy Can Be Messy

What does intimacy look like?

I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I'm talking about knowing and trusting someone so deeply as to be unafraid to be completely honest with them - knowing that they will not reject you no matter what. Even more than that kind of intimacy with another individual, I am talking about our relationship with God.
What does that intimacy look like? I had an encounter this morning that surprised me.

Unable to sleep, I found myself early this morning (like 4:30 early) sitting in front of my computer trying desperately to put into words even a little of what has been brewing inside me for the past several months. I failed.

Over and over again I would write a few lines only to delete them and start over in a different direction. Nothing seemed to even begin to convey what is trying to scratch and claw its way out of me.

After repeated attempts to share what is in my heart without sounding like I was complaining, I finally stopped. I deleted what was on the screen in front of me and took my hands off the keyboard.

I lowered my head as my heart began to utter the words I had been afraid to write. The contents of my heart came gushing out with tears as I turned my conversation away from you (my readers) and squarely onto my Lord.

As the tears and words poured forth, detailing all the things I am weary and frustrated from and the things I wish were different in my life, they were not met with the anticipated reprimand for feeling that way or for being selfish. Instead came that familiar soothing, strong and gentle voice that simply said to me, "This is intimacy." I could almost feel His arms around me. Relief flooded every part of me as I breathed in deep and exhaled, realizing that He was not angry with me about the way I feel. In fact, He loves it when I am deeply honest with Him. This is the intimacy that He desires to have with every one of us.

True intimacy is about honesty, vulnerability and trust. It allows me to stop hiding behind the words and behaviors that are "expected" of me (whether by myself or others) and frees me to not only love, but to be loved - warts and all.

Intimacy with God is not just about spending time reading His word and listening for His voice. It isn't even just about engaging in personal worship. All these things are good and necessary aspects of a deepening and growing relationship with Him. But the truest intimacy comes when we are totally vulnerable and honest about who we are and what is inside. This level of intimacy provides a safe place for everything that is hiding in the heart to come out - the good, the bad and the ugly (of which we all have some measure of). There is nothing we can tell God that catches Him off guard or takes Him by surprise. He already knows it all anyway.
 
What I experienced this morning brought me even closer to Him. It reminded me that it's okay to question and wonder about where this journey is taking me, and it's okay to sometimes be frustrated about not understanding why the process He is working out in me is taking so long. These things do not threaten Him or diminish His omnipotence in any way. They simply reveal that I am still a work in progress and that my dependence on Him is great.

In these moments, when I am tearfully telling Him what is inside, He holds me close and reminds me that we are in this thing together and that I need only to lean on Him and trust Him to navigate me through.

True intimacy with God can be messy, but it changes us - and that's a mess I can live with.